Monday, March 23, 2009

Losing it

I've actually been pretty good up 'til now. I found out pretty much for sure that I had breast cancer on Jan. 2, and it was confirmed on Jan 9. Since then, I've had 2 surgeries, about a million doctor appointments, I've waited for results (patiently and impatiently), I've felt supported, I've felt alone, I've felt sad, I've felt angry, I've felt nothing. But now....I'm losing it.

I'm crying a lot.

Now I can't talk about it -- the decision whether or not to get chemo -- without crying. I cried at work. I cried on the phone. I cried this morning at home. I'm starting to cry as I write this.

I don't want chemo. That's my line in the sand. I can take everything -- I think -- but I can't take that.

Tomorrow we are going back to the onc (the one I am now furious with) and I'm afraid that I will start crying the minute we start talking. I'm sure I will. But I don't know how to stop myself.

I need to calm down.

Now I'm afraid that I'll dig my heels in and I won't be able to hear what I actually need to hear. I get it that the docs aren't quite comfortable yet with the Oncotype. That they are more used to using the Adjuvant Online data. That they feel more comfortable being conservative, giving patients chemo just for insurance. But I don't want that.

Give me strength. Now I need it.

5 comments:

Ashi and Rami's Ima said...

Thinking of you, Adena. Of course, you're still on my mi sheberach list.
(((Hugs)))

Barb said...

Hang in there, Adena. Think about the long term. Once you make a decision you go with it and get through it all.

AS said...

We're supporting you any way you choose, Adena. I'm glad you wrote. I was missing my (almost) daily dose of 'dena.

RivkA with a capital A said...

crying is ok. really.

(just as long as it's not all day, every day, for days on end...)

Anonymous said...

Oh, Adena, my heart goes out to you. I wish I had read your blog before our class...
B