I've actually been pretty good up 'til now. I found out pretty much for sure that I had breast cancer on Jan. 2, and it was confirmed on Jan 9. Since then, I've had 2 surgeries, about a million doctor appointments, I've waited for results (patiently and impatiently), I've felt supported, I've felt alone, I've felt sad, I've felt angry, I've felt nothing. But now....I'm losing it.
I'm crying a lot.
Now I can't talk about it -- the decision whether or not to get chemo -- without crying. I cried at work. I cried on the phone. I cried this morning at home. I'm starting to cry as I write this.
I don't want chemo. That's my line in the sand. I can take everything -- I think -- but I can't take that.
Tomorrow we are going back to the onc (the one I am now furious with) and I'm afraid that I will start crying the minute we start talking. I'm sure I will. But I don't know how to stop myself.
I need to calm down.
Now I'm afraid that I'll dig my heels in and I won't be able to hear what I actually need to hear. I get it that the docs aren't quite comfortable yet with the Oncotype. That they are more used to using the Adjuvant Online data. That they feel more comfortable being conservative, giving patients chemo just for insurance. But I don't want that.
Give me strength. Now I need it.