and on Yom Kippur, it will be sealed..
I hate Yom Kippur.
There...I said it.
Sitting far, far, far back in the synagogue yesterday (actually I was technically sitting in the social hall that is attached to the synagogue), barely able to see what was going on on the bimah, feeling hot and confined and uninspired, I realized once again: Yom Kippur just doesn't do it for me.
As I listened to the long list of communal sins, and to the rabbi speak about how we have all sinned this year, and how we need to think about the year that passed, and pledge to do better in the next year, all I could think about is that this year has been one of the most difficult of my life, and that while I was in no way perfect, the main thing that happened to me was entirely out of my control. And I highly doubt that G-d pointed His/Her finger at me and said: "thou shalt have breast cancer." I just don't believe that it works that way.
The themes and images of Yom Kippur don't work for me. First of all, I can't fast. I have tried for many years, but it makes me physically sick. I simply can't do it. So one of the main things that you are supposed to do on YK is out of my reach. Secondly, the thought of G-d sitting somewhere writing in a book that says what will happen this coming year, and the thought that praying on Yom Kippur can somehow change what it says...that idea doesn't work for me. I simply don't believe it.
Usually, I am able to gloss over my disbelief, and just go along with the program. But this year, I wasn't able to.
Add an energetic and "bored" 10-year-old boy to the mix, and you have a perfect storm for a pretty awful day.
P.S. I took a quick look out there on the internets, and apparently I'm not the only one who feels this way. Although there are others who had a good Yom Kippur experience this year. So it just goes to show you...there is always next year.