The High Holidays tend to throw me for a loop, faith-wise, as I've mentioned before. I end up feeling so disconnected and uninspired that I need to go to a bunch of regular services for a while, just to get back in the swing of things.
This year, however, I'm having some trouble getting back in the swing of things.
I've been thinking about Judaism, and how (at least in Conservative Judaism) the emphasis seems to be on "doing what you are supposed to do according to Jewish law" as opposed to feeling connected or inspired or uplifted. It's about doing, not feeling. Or as the saying goes, do first, and the feelings will follow. But right now: it's not working for me.
Right now, for whatever reason, I'm not satisfied with my religious experience. I don't want to just go through the motions. I want to feel something. Maybe this is part of my recovery from cancer. Or maybe it's something else.
I'm tired of the old, boring translations in the siddur. I'm tired of the fast, rote repetitions of prayers in minyan. I'm tired of being told what I should do, what I should feel, what I should believe.
Not sure what it's going to take to get me out of this religious funk. But I hope something gets me out of it soon.